Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Myspace, Twilight, Pirates and Yahoo,
Ha, ha. Yeah…
Sincerely, Facebook, Harry Potter, Ninjas, and Google.

Dear Yahoo,
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…” just saying…
Sincerely, Google

Dear Google, 

You may have over a million results, but if I don’t see what I’m looking for on the first page, I assume it doesn’t exist.

Sincerely, everyone.


Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack

Dear Rubik’s Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream… What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear iPhone,
Why didn’t anything happen when I chose airplane mode and threw you up in the air?
Sincerely, you’re the worst Transformer ever.

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely, Logic

Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake

Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely, The Virgin Mary

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can’t. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Zebras,
It’s not our fault that you blend in with NOTHING.
Sincerely, predators.

Dear Facebook,

Thanks for making the word “friend” so meaningless.

Sincerely, 3480 “friends.”

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